it’s that time again
bussing to hospital
like a family tradition
where doctors know your name
into holding wards next to a&e’s
that familiar smell
that familiar sound
of BP’s taken, beeping
of medicine trolleys going down white halls
it’s that age
when your dad has water in the lungs
trouble with the kidneys
trouble with the heart
and you’re buying 4D for him
‘coz he still believes in numbers
just as we believe in the chief of cardio
in an Angel called Raphael
and the safety of blue crosses shining in the night
When I was small
And extraterrestrial beings were tall
They used to come and fiddle with my brain
To me mom they’ll say
We want to upgrade him to a post human demi god prototype
Can we please have him, for a day?
My mother loaned me out
to an alien colony
Back in 1983
I was six years old
They put an organic device up my arsehole
And programmed me with weird poetry
And powers borrowed from marvel and d.c.
In the blinding light of that backdoor surgery
They gave me my destiny.
When Mother Mary and the eight dwarfs visit my surrogate family
To nego the terms of my existence
I can’t get two words in.
So now, i live Half a year here, six months there
It seems fair
But I can only use part of my given powers on planet earth
A quarter of my powers along east coast road
None of my powers in ang mo kio.
Cosmic alien superhero problems.
But I don’t argue.
I accept my lot.
Do you remember lot?
That Poor biblical sod
His wife turned into a pillar of salt
When the bearded man in the sky
Dropped a neutron bomb on sodom
Such divine weapons!
I got some of those in my nipples
But I can’t use it here
It’s not allowed
It’s in the agreement
It’s in my contract
“Do not destroy stupid humans.”
“You are neither judge nor executioner.”
“You are here to share weird poetry .”
I’m like, “come on abba, let me fry one stupid human
Twice a month.”
Abba, father, says no
I say “fine! I’ll go ask thor!’ if you change your mind, I’ll be first in line.”
The gods think I’m crazy
I smoke pot with Jesus because
He’s the son of the Most High.
Gets the best shit.
We hang out.
Then I’ll be sticking my little finger into his stigmata and go, ” holy holy holy lord!”
and he’ll be like, ” its not funny paul. the fundamentalists will crucify you.
The mormons will take away your masturbation rights”
And when I see Buddha i’ll be like,
Why don’t you jump over the wall and knock humpy dumpty down and piss pink Floyd off and they’ll tear down the wall! Then berlin will be liberated!”
And buddha Will be like, “It’s a good idea, I like pink Floyd and there can only be one humpy dumpty.”
I’ll buy fresh milk from 7—11 and drink with Ganesha the elephant headed god then I’ll spook him with white mice and he’ll be like
“Stay away from me you crazy adopted son of an e.t.”
And yoda is like, “your father, I a m.”
And I’ll be like, “is Kermit grandpa?”
I kinda have a crush on Kwan yin, the goddess of mercy
We went out once, rode on her magical dragon. she brought me to the moon.
Then I passed her a leather whip, sprawled myself out on a cloud and said, “show me no mercy!”
And she’s like, “cannot lah. Contradicts my function.”
Then Kali appeared.
With swords. And her whip got fire and barbed wire.
Next thing I know, I’m lying face down with an organic device popping out of my mouth and I’m walking funny.
You can imagine what happened.
It’s very hard to joke with Lucifer tho.
He’s all like,
“give me my caviar.”
“I want my women.”
“I want my men.”
“I want my goats.”
And I’m like “ewww. Lambs are better.”
And god the father is like
“Do not insult the lamb of god, I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger!”
Thor will be laughing so hard he’ll be farting thunder.
And I’ll be like, “hey thor! I need to talk to you about some dumb fucks I want to fry!”
He’ll be like, “leave me outta this, ask iron man.”
“Urgh! You guys are no fun!”
But seriously,as much as i drive them crazy, the gods still make me laugh loud loud
Especially in the long hours, after humanity has broken my heart.
My name is ah teck
After I inflate my rubber mattress
Which is bouncy and good for my sensitive skin
I will kneel down on my Minnie Mouse cushion
And offer up my praying
Please prevent our ears from bleeding
When alarm bells ring
Allow hot water machine to work
So we can come back from cryogenic sleep
Our navigation systems spoil already
Please Guide us to the nearest toast box
Give us today our daily bread talk
And deliver us Mac muffin breakfast,
Our underpants have grown tighter
Do not let us blame the bakwah
Maybe its a hormone efficiency
Maybe our underpants lost weight
Maybe all the milk from my tits have gone to my hips
Regardless the explanation
We deserve enough credits in our e.z link card
Please help me find a seat in s.m.r.t.
thank you for letting me sit kind sir
I am not pregnant, I am just fat
But I am not telling you that
My legs are very tired from getting out of bed.
Next time I might bring a wheelchair.
They will sure give way to me
Maybe I bring samurai sword on train
But like that sure Kena arrested.
And appear on youtube.
Then I become famous.
Less like psy, more like psycho
Like that sure go jail
Where Gangam style will fuck my backside so many times I learn to like it
Then i can oppose 377a
And give pastor khong the finger
Into his arse hole
Maybe everyone should give him the finger
Into his arse hole
Until he likes it
Then he can change his song
Then bapok can go heaven
Because in the end
god obviously listen to man holding mic
Please listen to me
Even if I don’t have a mic.
I can press the train mic but must pay many money
Charge phone at station also pay many money
Cannot like that
I already late for work.
Please make train break down less
If late again, my boss also break down
Then I must crawl under his table
He will stretch his legs
And I must suck his reebok
He very abusive type
I must chabut from this hell hole
Dear glob, Please help me find another job
Steve job already go heaven
the gates are closed, windows no entry
And I’m too dark and depressed for yahoo
Maybe i must change industry
Maybe I should, “just do it”
sell Nike shoes
I’m really sick of reebok
I must run away
Fuck being banker
Best Become busker
Buy guitar and wheelchair
So I can rock
roll Down Clark quay underpass
Where people will throw coins at me
So I can buy chicken rice
And romance chicks with my bling bling
And make dudes go, woah!
As I roll down ang mo kio
With my pet Godzilla
Wearing ray ban sun shades
In my batman costume
Because my red underwear too tight
I ask for all this
In the name of Jacob cream crackers
Skippy peanut butter
And the holy guacamole